Anything Snipe Can Do, Spy Can Do Better
by Scrunchy
Summary: Ever wondered what the song "Anything You Can Do" and Team Fortress 2 looked like when combined? This is it. Safe-rated M for gay and 'suggestive.'
1. Before

**Haha... don't kill me, please... So... yea, this was what I spent my Sunday morning doing... Enjoy? =D**

* * *

"Monsieur Engineer! Set up a range for ze Sniper and myself!" Spy demanded as he stormed into the community room of the base. Sniper was quick to follow with a sour look on his face.

"Lover's quarrel?" Medic asked from his place at the chess board with Heavy. This elicited a derisive snort from Sniper.

"There's no lovin' a _Spy_, mate. He wouldn't be able to figure out his place in the relationship..." he gave Spy a sidelong look before continuing, "the _woman's_ place. He'd be out taking down targets instead of getting me dinner ready for when I get back from 'work'." Sniper pointed out, crossing his arms.

"Oui, and you would be missing yours." Spy stated, eyes flashing dangerously as he stepped up closer as if to confront the slightly taller man.

"Ah... this is no way to start workin' together, y'children." Engineer stated, taking a sip of his beer pointedly.

"We _ain't_ gonna be workin' t'gether!" Sniper exclaimed, his voice ringing a bit more harshly than the situation warranted.

"You guys are still on the same team, fags," Scout said, frowning at them in annoyance from his place lounging across the couch.

"That does not mean that we will be working _together_... _ever,_" Spy growled adamantly, shooting the Bostonian a subtle glare that made him go back to his television watching with little more than another 'fag' comment.

Spy saw that Engineer wasn't going to comply with his request and turned to brush past Sniper with a firm frown. "Zat does not mean zat you win merely from your job title." Spy stated when he saw Sniper's winning smirk as he passed the man.

"Oh? That suit sure had me fooled, I thought I was dealing with a _gentleman_." Sniper shot after the Frenchman. Spy stopped and they were suddenly chest to chest again, neither backing down from their testosterone-filled anger match. "It's gonna be a _pleasure_ giving you a lesson in marksmanship once _I _convince Truckie to do it." After all, they needed Engineer's precious metal to set up targets.

"Bah! My dear Sniper, you could not even give me a lesson in long-distance spitting!" Spy sneered, back ramrod-straight and chest puffed out in an effort to seem more formidable than the other man. "Anyzing you can do, I can do better! I can do _anyzing_ better zan you!" Spy scoffed in his face, giving him a light shove with his chest before turning on his heel and walking to lean against the couch.

"No you can't." Sniper shot back, following him with his long strides and placing his hands on the back of the couch, trapping Spy within the confines as he leant against the sofa with about a foot or more of space between their bodies.

Spy smirked. "Yes I can."

"No you can't."

"Yes I can." The lord-of-espionage's voice was almost sing-song, so very satisfied that he was annoying his co-worker.

"No you can't!" Sniper's eyes narrowed in a glare behind his shades.

"Yes I can, yes I can!" Spy came chest to chest with the man again and smirked up at him triumphantly.

"Anything you can be, I can be greater." Sniper sneered, eyes dangerous behind his glasses as the masked man before him looked affronted at their closeness and turned away to cross his arms, side facing Sniper. Neither were aware that the whole team was watching them. "Sooner or later... I'm greater than you!" He boasted lowly into Spy's ear with a short laugh.

"No you are not." Spy sneered, rolling his eyes at the supposedly ludicrous statement.

"Yes I am." Sniper countered with a smirk, seeing Spy's nerves tense

"You are not," Spy said a bit more firmly, eyes narrowing dangerously. He was offended that the Sniper might ever think himself superior to the masked man.

"Oh, yes I am." They were chest to chest again, noses scant centimeters from each other. "Yes I am, mate," he repeated with a snarky grin. "I can shoot a partridge with a single cartridge!" He bragged as he strolled away from the tense man with his hands casually in his pockets.

"Oh? Well, I can shoot a sparrow with a bow and arrow." Spy smirked, playing on the fact that Sniper was very poor at using his Huntsman. Sniper's ears turned red and Spy thought he had won their little spat until Sniper's expression became a bit more determined and he burst out with a desperate:

"I can live on bread and cheese!"

"And only on that?" Spy questioned, knowing the man's great love for Kangaroo jerky.

"Yes!" Sniper answered confidently, his broad chest puffing out proudly.

"So can a rat." Spy scoffed, his witticism taking the man by surprise as he strode to the man's other side as if he were walking away from the fight. Sniper's hand caught Spy's shoulder and whirled him around with yet another glare as Spy's hand raised with his knife flicked out and glinting.

Sniper paid the weapon no heed and merely boasted: "Any note you can reach, I can go higher," with a smirk ghosting his lips.

Spy paused for a second, blank faced before realizing what he was talking about. "You mean singing?" he raised a curious brow as he looked over the man. Sniper suddenly felt less confident and nodded a bit. "You really are a 'fag,' zen." Spy laughed derisively before flicking his knife back into his pocket and heading back toward the door that they came in. He paused at the door and looked back at the blushing Australian with a small smirk. " 'Anyzing you can be, I can be better.' " He reminded Sniper with a wink before walking out.

Sniper felt his blush grow a bit before yelling after the man. "I'll always be better than you!" He stormed out of the room, boots echoing down the hall long after they had moved away from the room.

"So... they're going to see who can be gayer?" Scout asked, confused. "How's that go?"

"Well, lad... first one gets on-" Demo's explanation was cut off by Engineer tapping him on the head with his wrench warningly.

"They're going to see who can yell louder..." Engineer explained simply, going back to whatever he was working on. Sometimes it was more soothing to work in a room of people rather than his shop. "Don't go botherin' 'em." He warned, glancing up at the innocent boy as he stood.

"Aw... but I wanna see who wins." Scout pouted, sinking back to the couch and turning the volume up on _Annie Get Your Gun_.

"You vill know by who is more... content... at dinner." Medic assured him as he watched Heavy capture his pawn and took the man's knight before his queen was soon lost. "Sheisse..." he murmured, scratching the back of his head with a small frown. "You are getting better, Heavy."

"Thank you, doktor." Heavy grinned, practically wiggling at his praise.

"Fags..." Scout mumbled, trying to block the two out as he watched Betty Hutton and Howard Keel start singing. "Wait a sec..."

* * *

**Might be doing the rest of the song as pillow-talk, let me know if I should or not?**


	2. After

-1"Thought you said I couldn't teach you 'bout long-distance spitting." Sniper chuckled, motioning to the two white spots on the wooden floor a good distance from the edge of the bed, one a bit farther than the other.

"Shut up, you had the advantage of being first." Spy stated, breathing out a lungful of smoke as he lay next to the man. Their clothes lay across the floor in a frenzied quality that the two men utterly lacked now.

"Pft, how much d'those cigs cost, mate?" Sniper asked, stealing the cigarette for inspection before taking a puff and twisting his lips a bit as he tested the smoke's flavor and the way it sat in his lungs. He let it trail out his nostrils with a shake of his head, handing the cancer stick back to the Frenchman with a look of distaste.

"Why?" Spy asked with a raised brow. If he didn't like the taste of the man's cigarettes, did he not like the taste of Spy's mouth that he so enjoyed only a few minutes before?

"They're just nothin' like mine... I don't like 'em." Sniper stated, moving to rest his head on the man's stomach idly with his body turned so that his legs were hanging off the edge of the bed.

"Hm... they are fifty cents a pack." Spy stated, taking a drag.

"The most expensive I've bought were forty." Sniper informed him, shaking his head.

"They used to be thirty..."

"I get mine for twenty." Sniper smirked, moving to get one of his own from the pack in his pants that were sprawled across the floor near the bed and lighting it. He then settled next to Spy again on his back with his arm touching the Frenchman's lightly.

"Liar." Spy accused with a snort of his expensive smoke in Sniper's direction.

"Yes I can." Sniper stated with a frown, returning the favor and scooting closer to the man.

"No you cannot..." Spy rolled his eyes as if he was tired of hearing the man lie.

"Yes. I. Can." Sniper stated, bumping Spy closer to the edge of the bed with each emphasized word. He gave a satisfied laugh when the man's arm wrapped around him to avoid falling off.

"_Merde_... you are very funny, Sniper... you would be even funnier with my knife in your back, eh?" He gave the man a slight glare before putting out the finished butt of his cigarette on the man's shoulder.

"If you said that any softer, mate, it might be a turn-on." Sniper returned in a low, rough voice. He had barely winced at the burn; it wasn't anything major, just another scar for Spy to kiss.

"Bah, I can say anything softer than you." Spy scoffed as he flicked the butt away.

"No, y'can't." Sniper said in a soothingly soft voice that he had rarely used before. Maybe when he thought he hurt Spy only to find that the man had a pain kink.

"Yes I can." Spy countered ever so softly.

"No, you can't." Sniper's voice was barely discernable from his breath as his face moved closer to Spy's.

"Yes I can..." was the whisper along Sniper's lips and, before the Aussie's negation could flicker forth, their lips were connected. Spy winced when Sniper's cigarette got too close to his cheek and Sniper grumbled, pulling back once he realized he'd been tricked into not responding for two seconds. It was a universal rule that a reply was confined within two seconds or it was invalid.

"I can drink my liquor faster than a flicker." Spy chuckled, placing a last peck against Sniper's lips and carefully avoiding the cigarette.

"I c'n drink it quicker _and_ get even sicker." Sniper smirked, knowing how Spy's stomach reacted to large and quickly ingested amounts of alcohol.

"I can open any safe," Spy said pointedly.

"Without gettin' caught?" Sniper asked, raising a brow.

"_Oui_-"

"That's what I thought, y'crook." Sniper snorted, hitting him lightly in the chest before turning onto his back and tapping his cigarette over the ashtray next to Spy's bed.

"Any note you can hold, I can hold longer." Spy sing-songed into his ear with a sultry smirk on his lips.

"Fag." Sniper countered as he blew smoke rings at the ceiling, watching them puff into nothingness against the white spackle.

"You are one to talk, _mon ami_..." was Spy's reminder with a gentle laugh at the man's ineffective counter before closing his eyes and relaxing back.

A few minutes later, once Sniper had finished his cigarette, the man slipped up to Spy's ear and waited for the man to crack an eye open at the hot, moist breath in his ear.

"Anything you can wear, I can wear better." He murmured lowly against the man's ear, tongue ghosting over the shell and getting an interesting reaction from Spy's throat before he finished his taunt, "in what you wear, I'd look better than you..."

"In my jacket?" Spy questioned with a raised brow and nodded to the chair it hung from.

"And your vest." Sniper nodded, slipping away and scooping up the article to pull it on before donning the jacket as well.

"In my pants?" Spy suggested, watching the man comply and pull them on before smirking and also taking up the discarded mask.

"In your mask..." the Australian grinned as he pulled the fabric over his head and looked at Spy with the best approximation he could get of the condescending look that Spy usually had.

"Hmm... no you can't." Spy smirked, shaking his head and standing himself with a yawn and a smooth stretch as he paced over to Sniper and straightened the suit on him a bit.

"Yes I can, can, can." Sniper pointed out, noticing the Frenchman's gaze lingering on the way that the pants fit him and the way that his, though quite lanky, form easily filled the thinner man's vest and jacket with his slightly more muscular figure.

"Anything you can say, I can say faster." Spy changed the subject quickly, looping the tie around Sniper's neck and skillfully tying it before pulling him back over to the bed.

"Oi! I c'n say anything faster'n you!" Sniper growled, pushing the man down onto the bed and following when he didn't relinquish the tie.

"No, you cannot." Spy shook his head, pulling Sniper a bit closer.

"Yeah I can!" Sniper answered quickly. They went on like that for a few seconds with Spy giving Sniper a little tug to bring him closer with each of his ever-quicker denials that Sniper could speak faster than him. Sniper's lips cut him off in much the same manner as Spy's had when they were on the topic of who could speak more softly, effectively winning the argument by late response.

"I can jump a hurdle..." Spy breathed, his eyes furious that his own tactic had been used against him. His hand on the tie pulled Sniper closer so that their foreheads rested against each other.

"I can wear a girdle," Sniper taunted, hands resting on either side of Spy's hips.

"Do you even know what that is?" Spy raised a brow, suddenly amused at the thought.

" 'Course, it's a hat, right?"

"Stop being a brat." Spy rolled his eyes and let the tie go so that Sniper could sit up on him.

"Well... your turn, mate." Sniper goaded, brushing a hand across the smooth skin of Spy's chest.

Spy thought for a second before shrugging and continuing with, "I can knit a sweater."

"We both know I c'n fill it better," Sniper pointed out with a chuckle, shrugging the jacket off and looking down to undo the buttons on the vest.

"I can do most anything." Spy smirked up at the man, his hands arresting Sniper's from their unbuttoning and continuing it themselves.

"Can you bake a pie?" Sniper asked curiously, suddenly hungry.

"No..." Spy answered softly with a small frown and a quirk of his brow.

"Neither can I," Sniper sighed before shrugging the vest off as well.

"Anything you can say, I can say sweeter," Spy offered, trying to pull the man's mind from his stomach.

"Fag." Sniper accused with a snort.

"Hm... yes, but so are you." Spy chuckled, playing with the waistband of his slacks around the other man's waist.

"Too right, mate... too right..." Sniper agreed as he lowered himself onto the man and proceeded to start their next competition-- who had the better stamina.


End file.
